Today would have been my father’s 80th Birthday. It is hard to believe that it has been just over six months since he passed away. Since he has past, we have celebrated his life not once, but twice. Gotten the entire family together for only the second time since my mother passed away. Cleaned out his house, sold it, and found new homes for all of his possessions. Went to Yankee Stadium and watched the Red Sox beat the Yankees, which my father would have liked, but my sister did not. And that is just the stuff related to my father’s passing.
For me personally, I was initially relieved that my father had passed. His health was declining and I think he was ready to move on from this life when the time came. Several weeks after my father’s passing, I noticed that I had become angry and I really could not put my finger on it until I was talking to a friend about it and she asked me to really lean into the anger. To my surprise, the anger was directed against my father, which made me even more perplexed. Why would I be angry at my father? He was no longer here in the physical form and I felt good that he had moved on and not suffering. Again, my friend asked me to lean in and feel why I was angry. As I leaned into the anger, I received that I had lived my life around pleasing my father and without him here, there was nobody left to please and the anger was about “how could he leave and not leave me somebody to please?”
I was floored as I felt into this energy. This thought that I was living my life to please my father. Yes, I do know that I did do some things in my life to please my father, like going to university, getting a job at a big company, and settling down and having a family. I did make the choice to do all of those things and I have no regrets for any of them. There was just a part of me that knew in doing those things, I was pleasing him. I did not realize that I was doing this in most of the areas of my life.
Without my father around, how was I going to work my way through this anger? My friend suggested that I connect with my father and see if there was a message that he wanted to give to me. I had never connected with somebody who had passed on, but I was willing to see what would come from such a connection.
One morning, I sat down in front of my computer, took some deep breaths, asked for my father to come forward, and just started writing. It was a wonderful session and it still seems very unreal to me. I was able to connect, ask questions, and get deep, thoughtful responses.
The biggest insight that I got from the connection was to “Live Life.” From what I have come to understand, living life is about being present in the moment, being with the energy of the moment, being me, just living, being, doing in that moment. It is saying what is true for me in the moment and not caring about what other people will do with my truth.
“Live Life” is a work in progress for me. I think about it often and try to understand how “Live Life” fits into the corporate environment. “Live Life” means that I will need to be open to do what I feel like in the moment and be willing to allow me to feel what I want to do. I still struggle in speaking my truth, even when I know it is true for me, because I worry too much, and care too much, about what the person receiving the information will do with what I say to them.
I am grateful for this thought and the search that I am going through right now. I wish I could have had this conversation with my father when he was alive, but I know we were both too busy presenting what we thought we should be to the world instead of having these types of conversations.
For now, I will be thinking of my father, thinking how to “Live Life” and wishing he was here so I could sing him “Happy Birthday”!